A. Cole vs C. Ronaldo

Serial twat and blockhead Cashley postures (sorry, 'fights') with preening toothpick and walking gel-mop Ronaldo. After 180 exhausting seconds of prancing, Cole jabs a foot at Christiano's shin. The pretty one (not you, Ashley) collapses clutching his face in both hands. Ash claims a win as hollow as his head.

F. Goodwin Vs Batman

Reputation-shredding arrogance mountain Fred takes on the wealthy billionaire who thinks he's a bat. Batman is surprisingly meek without all the flash black armour and accompanying mask and Frederic's ego gets the better of him. Thinking this will be another easy deal he leaps in, only to have both arms broken in a trim move from the B-Man. No buying your way out of this I'm afraid, Freddie.

K. Clarke Vs P. Mandelson

Sagging pear and human-St Bernard hybrid Ken takes on dark-side advocate and death grinner Pete. Flab rolling poetically with his movements, Mr Clarke is all easy charm and grace in the opening sparring. Unfortunately, Mr Mandelson has learnt 'the choke' from his mate Darth and Kenny gasps to the floor, like a strangled puppy.

J. Torrode Vs G. Wallace

The opinion-to-fact machine and Aussie suit-wearing John takes on dough "sweet tooth" ball flubber, Greg. Torrode opens with a volley of verbal predictions about the fight result, which Wallace ignores. Instead he imagines Mr T as an enormous cupcake and, suitable motivation found, he bites into Johnny's leg. The fight peters out into a draw with Torrode explaining how his leg is 'underdone' as he drags beached whale Greg around the court.

P. Gascoigne Vs a pint of Guinness

Football-loving boozer Gazza takes on his nemesis, a pint of the black stuff. The stout refuses to move, cool condensation dripping teasingly down its smooth glass sides. Paul cowers in the corner, shivering with temptation. He slowly sheds his hair from the stress before finally cracking. Three seconds later and the physical win is Mr Gascoigne's, the moral one all Mr Guinness'.

V. Hollins Vs K. Silverton

Suspiciously beautiful angel and occasional reporter Victoria squares up to human catfish and preener, Kate. Poor prissy little Ms Silverton simply melts into a puddle of flesh, her body internally combusting in shame. Ms Hollins' radiance then begins to melt the squash court itself, her smile finishing the process.

F. Flintoff Vs S. Connery

Pint crushing 'Fred' takes on twinkly-eyed Sean. The Lancastrian breeze block lumbers in with hands like seaside boulders, aiming for that perma-smirk face of Mr C. The wrinkly old pile of facial hair still has some agility (after the cod liver oil pills) and ducks the incoming ham-hands. After three minutes of this Mr Flintoff finally gets hold of the neck and pops Connery's head off like a champagne cork.

O.Cromwell Vs W. Churchill

Father of joy-killing Oliver scraps with victory's best known basketball, Winston. Barking incoherently about devotion, Olly kneels to pray. Winney spot his chance, swinging a knee into Cromwell's joyless face. Cromers recovers, spending the next ten minutes finding a way past Churchill's mound of flesh. Eventually he does so, clamping Winston in a schoolboy headlock. A hard fought draw.

C. Norris Vs an elephant

Revolving door slammer and bearded fist Chuck faces nature's farmer and occasional wastepaper bin, the elephant. Taking an afternoon to be winched in, the elephant leaves little room for martial factoid Norris. He tries to find space to unleash his roundhouse, to no avail. Instead he challenges the grey lump to a press-up competition, which isn't taken up: a draw.

P. McCartney Vs M.Jagger

Droopy-faced St Bernard and moping hero St Paul rucks with aardvark mouth and human coat hanger, Mike. Macca is all shaking fists, but years of celeb cushioning have peeled his 'street' skin. Mickey simply breathes in, sucking Mr M up-along with every spec of dust in the arena. The Beatle settles in and sets up home under Jagger's upper lip.

A. Hansen Vs G. Lineker

Scorn merchant scarface Alan fights it out with rubber nosed puppet Gary. Lineker is all sweetness and charm-right up until Hansen's first headbutt. Hauling the puppy-like Mr L against the wall by his balls, side-parting expert Alan dispenses some whispered and uncompromising advice about 'defending your weak areas'. Gazza can't take the pain and blacks out, becoming even limper than usual.

A. Murray Vs L. Hamilton

Nonchalant grump Andy squares up to paint drying wall Lewis in a Boring of the Brits duel. Huffy Mr M refuses to fight, moodily folding the arms and furrowing the brow. Hamilton tries to get angry, but only manages to cough up dust. They unexpectedly bond about British sports fans' faults; 'I'm not British (I'm Scottish)' and 'I'm not boring'. A grey draw.

B. Simpson Vs C. Darwin

Perpetual ten year old and permanent marketing fascia Bart fights it out with incestuous side burner, Charlie. Unsure how Bart evolved from imaginary cartoon to real life opponent, Mr D is caught unawares. Half Darwin's size, Bart bounds in and bites off Charles' privates in one gulp. Collapsing, the great thinker bleeds to death whilst a triumphant Simpson junior points and laughs: 'bite me!'.

C. Eastwood Vs his own shadow

Steely glaring professional and teeth gritter Clint fights his ultimate foe: his own flickering shadow. Obviously, it kicks off with some heavy staring, mainly Mr Eastwood at his own shadow rather than visa versa. When the shadow refuses to make the first move, Mr E cracks and flings himself at his opponent. After charging around the arena like a dragonfly on speed, Clinton collapses dead from exhaustion.

S. Hoggart Vs A. Cole

Gremlin faced smugger Si duels with petulant brick and occasional wild boar, Ashley. Mr C, with his superior fitness and cocksure strut, sends fists flying. Hoggart tumbles over backwards, but manages to fling a cheeky kick to the balls on his way down. Ash collapses clutching his face, forgetting he is not playing footie. A murky draw.

B. Obama V D. Cameron

Tennis ball headed tooth and sleeve merchant Barack takes on the pear-faced goat, DC. Flabby cheeks bouncing, Dave dances about boasting about boxing for Eton. The O-Unit steams in with an uncharacteristically vicious headbutt, sending Cameron tumbling to the floor. Barry plonks a victorious foot on the chest of his vanquished rival and strikes a pose.

C. Tacitus Vs Pliny the Younger

Desert pronouncer and in-law admirer Cornelius faces up to old friend and full-on ponce, Bithynia's own Pliny. Denouncing naked fighting as vulgar and 'for the Christians and barbarians' they cordially agree a civil truce in unnecessarily detailed fashion. A bureaucratic draw.

I. Hislop Vs G. Larson

Giggling goblin and full time sniffer Ian takes on teratophobic quirk maestro Gary. Hislop lunges for the bollocks with a stubby leg but Larson is too fast. Leaping aside he flicks Mr H's stumpy limb upwards, leaving him upturned like a squirming turtle on its shell.

P. Morgan Vs Captain Haddock

Pug faced smugger and secret journalist Piers duels with insult alchemist and occasional monocle enthusiast, Haddock. Cpt H bounds into this one, all flowing fists and bristly beard. Mr M wilts like a flower in the heat of Haddock's fury. No fakes here, Mr Morgan: you've been judged and found wanting.

J. Statham Vs a watch

Occasional martial artiste and bootleg seller Jason takes on time's most portable portal, a watch. The inevitable ticking eventually gets to Mr S, but he can't bring himself to kill an inanimate but innocent bystander. A timeless draw.

J. Clarkson Vs J. Cleese

Pubic moon buggy and bad breath enthusiast Jeremy scraps with gangly comedy relic Johnathan. Both tall men with a cowardly streak, they thud around exchanging tortured insults and the odd swing-and-a-miss. Johnny eventually prevails on points: all those 'car injuries' take their toll on Mr C.

D. Winton Vs a cougar

Sunset-faced shop janitor Dale faces up to the non-roaring name-chameleon feline, a cougar. Dale initially mistakes the mountain stalker for an overgrown domestic kitty and reaches out to give it a stroke. The cougar equally mistakes this for aggression and things move very fast. Mr W goes down in a blur of orange blood and paws crying something about Whiskers being in Aisle Six.

M. Rothko Vs L. Flashheart

Suicidal ponce and occasional Russian Rothko faces up to canoe-toting shouter, Lord Flashheart. A short fight. Mr R tries to strike a pose and look pensive, only for Flashy to steam straight in with a hefty right hook. This knockout blow is accompanied by a confused Mr F squealing 'take that you filthy hun!'

Tintin Vs Asterix

Quiff advocate and part time reporter Tintin slugs it out with punctuation symbol and occasional cartoon Asterix. Mr A struggles without the sickle-made magic potion whilst Tintin wonders where Snowy has disappeared to. Following a few moments of prop-searching, they slug it out, with Mr T prevailing.

Donald Duck Vs Ed the Duck

Orange doused fancy dress sailor Donald fights with former baldy and full time arm, Ed the Duck. The Don lights his own short fuse and charges beak first into his opponent. Unfortunately the arm of Ed the Duck is attached to a human operator, who boots the sorry cartoon quack across the arena. Donny hits the far wall with a splat and the fight is over.