C. Tacitus Vs Pliny the Younger

Desert pronouncer and in-law admirer Cornelius faces up to old friend and full-on ponce, Bithynia's own Pliny. Denouncing naked fighting as vulgar and 'for the Christians and barbarians' they cordially agree a civil truce in unnecessarily detailed fashion. A bureaucratic draw.

I. Hislop Vs G. Larson

Giggling goblin and full time sniffer Ian takes on teratophobic quirk maestro Gary. Hislop lunges for the bollocks with a stubby leg but Larson is too fast. Leaping aside he flicks Mr H's stumpy limb upwards, leaving him upturned like a squirming turtle on its shell.

P. Morgan Vs Captain Haddock

Pug faced smugger and secret journalist Piers duels with insult alchemist and occasional monocle enthusiast, Haddock. Cpt H bounds into this one, all flowing fists and bristly beard. Mr M wilts like a flower in the heat of Haddock's fury. No fakes here, Mr Morgan: you've been judged and found wanting.

J. Statham Vs a watch

Occasional martial artiste and bootleg seller Jason takes on time's most portable portal, a watch. The inevitable ticking eventually gets to Mr S, but he can't bring himself to kill an inanimate but innocent bystander. A timeless draw.

J. Clarkson Vs J. Cleese

Pubic moon buggy and bad breath enthusiast Jeremy scraps with gangly comedy relic Johnathan. Both tall men with a cowardly streak, they thud around exchanging tortured insults and the odd swing-and-a-miss. Johnny eventually prevails on points: all those 'car injuries' take their toll on Mr C.

D. Winton Vs a cougar

Sunset-faced shop janitor Dale faces up to the non-roaring name-chameleon feline, a cougar. Dale initially mistakes the mountain stalker for an overgrown domestic kitty and reaches out to give it a stroke. The cougar equally mistakes this for aggression and things move very fast. Mr W goes down in a blur of orange blood and paws crying something about Whiskers being in Aisle Six.

M. Rothko Vs L. Flashheart

Suicidal ponce and occasional Russian Rothko faces up to canoe-toting shouter, Lord Flashheart. A short fight. Mr R tries to strike a pose and look pensive, only for Flashy to steam straight in with a hefty right hook. This knockout blow is accompanied by a confused Mr F squealing 'take that you filthy hun!'

Tintin Vs Asterix

Quiff advocate and part time reporter Tintin slugs it out with punctuation symbol and occasional cartoon Asterix. Mr A struggles without the sickle-made magic potion whilst Tintin wonders where Snowy has disappeared to. Following a few moments of prop-searching, they slug it out, with Mr T prevailing.

Donald Duck Vs Ed the Duck

Orange doused fancy dress sailor Donald fights with former baldy and full time arm, Ed the Duck. The Don lights his own short fuse and charges beak first into his opponent. Unfortunately the arm of Ed the Duck is attached to a human operator, who boots the sorry cartoon quack across the arena. Donny hits the far wall with a splat and the fight is over.

The Cookie Monster Vs Tony the Tiger

Marge-haired cookie sellout the Cookie Monster squares up to serial frost enthusiast and wheat-based foodstuffs spokestiger, Toni. Some nervous shuffling about precedes the crucial moment. The big C monster attempts to eat the walls of the court and Toni sees his chance. A swipe to the back of the neck is enough, although T the T insists on blurting 'Grreat!' as his victim collapses.

R. Gervais Vs B. Bailey

Ex-boxing ball and occasional beardy Rick squares up to full time moth and staring enthusiast Billy. Initially, wisecracks abound, until Bill 'The Bailiff' Bailey gesticulates too far when regaling a kooky gag. Nervous slapping and kicking ensues until they both collapse on the floor, gasping for air. A meek but amusing draw.

B. Johnson Vs a cat

Flappy wibbling eye-glinter Boris scraps with the lion family's cutest member, a domestic cat. It takes Johnno a good minute to acclimatise and spends the opening rounds cupping his privates whilst skipping inelegantly around the arena, his hair bouncing about in curious rhythm to his flab. Eventually, after a few 'rotten' scratches, Mr J lands one of his hopeful kicks and the fight is all over.

R. Mears Vs B. Grylls

Fire starting fatty survivalist Ray takes on exotic eating showoff and truth bender 'Bear'. Ray's 'energy reserves' are no help here as the black-belted G Unit slaps him about. It may not be a motel, but Grylls is right at home here and probably celebrates his victory with a chunk of Mears' ample rump.

T. Wogan Vs H. Nelson

Gentle warbling guff maester [sic] Tez does battle with kiss-requesting duty-doer Mr N. A gentlemanly battle to being with: all Terry wants is an armchair, Horacio a kiss. They agree a swap but post kiss, Waterloo's architect reneges on his offer to be an armchair and all hell breaks loose. Wogan tears him limb from limb, dementedly screaming about not meaning the kiss.

G. Marenghi Vs D. Learner

Self proclaimed horror writing genius Garth fights passionate actor and occasional ponce Dean. No scotch mist here; the big talking Marenghi proves to be a complete wimp as debonair Dean dispenses power and conviction sadly lacking in his acting. Somehow, the irrepressible ego Mr M sees his own violent and painful death as his final masterpiece. Dean agrees.

M. Simpson Vs L. Griffin

Blue obelisk-haired try-hard and perpetual stereotype Marge takes on triangular sandwich nosed hotty and full time baby wrangler Louis. A pretty even fight: without their never-changed outfits, a standoff period occurs. Once the inhibitions are shed, however, Louis edges the ensuing scratch-a-thon due to her previous training in baby stewardship.

W. Mozart Vs R. Wakeman

Tomato hurling grumpy old man and Brentford enthusiast Rick slugs it out with common corpse musician and eerily talented Vienna homeboy Wolf Man. The slight and mini Mr M gets all seven bells and all seven shades of shit kicked out of him. Wakeman forgets he is not mid keyboard solo and just keeps pounding Wolfgang's head in. An unedifying spectacle.

Garfield Vs J. Arbuckle

Stripey fatso and Monday-hating feline Mr G fights it out with vet-loving loser and permanently unemployed gimp Jon. He may be flabby as a custard-filled duvet, but Garfield has savage claws and a cynically ruthless streak to boot. All Mr A can offer is a wry and knowing look to the audience as he is torn to shreds by The Big G.

Winnie The Pooh Vs Paddington Bear

Honey loving greedy-guts and woodland partisan Winnie scraps with the polite Peruvian marmalade lover Paddington. A vicious fight: after a sharp and very heated argument over the merits of honey and marmalade, they charge into each other. In a whirlwind of fluff, fur and the occasional bead (eye), a Pyrrhic draw is the result.

B. Gates Vs R. Branson

Custard-pie-faced geek and wealthy human sparrow Gates matches up to beard damager and hot air showoff Ritchie. Gates is all at sea here: no technologies to rely on and an equally feeble physique allow Ricky Boy to really showboat. Mr B slaps the hapless nerd around before landing a series of deadly roundhouse kicks he learnt from his Chuck Norris film collection. No Windows in this squash court.

The Pope Vs the Queen

Leader of a minor fanatic religious sect the Pope takes on figurehead of European backwater country, the Queen. A very polite fight. Without their garments of power, however, they both eventually shed their inhibitions and start slapping. The the Holy one prevails: age and sex are too much for QEII.

G. Ramsay Vs Homer

Professional bollocker and full-time swearer Ramsay faces epic oral waffler and epithet-master Homer. Too busy explaining in lavish detail the whole fight as it unfolds, Mr H gets a complete pasting here. Ramsey shows now mercy, finding a new swear word to accompany each kick to the sides of the floored Homer.

A king cobra Vs a bull

Slithery line of nastiness and spitting enemy of Adam the king cobra wriggles against ring-nosed slab of rage and horns, the bull. It only takes one bite for the friend of Pasiphae to be taken down. Unless a stray horn or hoof hits home, it's a points win for the serpent every time.

A. Winehouse Vs T1000

Beehive-haired singer and seahorse-faced shipwreck Amy squares up to the silvery shape changing and part time ice statue T1000. Ms Winehouse is undoubtedly on lots and lots of drugs and as such she loses this one within seconds. At least she dies thinking she has been chopped to pieces by badger with two heads.

P. Griffin Vs H. Simpson

Testicular chinned blob and full time moron Peter takes on never-ageing bald man Homer. After exchanging volleys of stupid remarks and put-downs, they settle into a huge punch up. With cartoon violence running amok, the squash court itself groans under the strain. Mr S finally prevails, his previous boxing credentials the difference.