J. Bourne Vs Mr Miyagi

Forgetful government target and nationality expert Jason fights with fence waxing and fly catching Mr M. He may be that side of a hundred years old these days, but the wisdom-laden raisin Miyagi just edges this one. Bourne lands a few blows, but without surrounding props to innovate with, his shortcomings eventually tell.

S. Seagal Vs J. Rabbit

Limb breaker and dark pony Steven takes on sultry semi-real but undoubtedly sexy Jess. Remarkably, Mrs Rabbit wins this. Big Mr S can't bring himself to hurt a hapless damsel. Just as he is softening to her tales of exploited Eskimo children, she bites out his entire neck with inexplicable strength.

V. Jones Vs a ballet dancer

Nose-chomping grunter and occasional footballer Vin faces up to a physically dexterous purveyor of movement art. Vinnie is the hot favourite here: unfortunately, Mr Jones gets a nasty surprise as his first punch finds pure air. He then finds himself scooped up with alarming ease and hurled equally swiftly into the wall. Stick to the footie, big man.

J. Paxman Vs J. Humphrys

Triangle-faced human grill and know-it-all Jezza threatens to overrule mastermind throne holder and radio waffler Johnny. Mentally a very close fight, with tactics playing a key part. As such, after three hours of strategic footwork and positioning, a draw is negotiated (with difficulty).

King Arthur Vs Achilles

Ancient sword-pulling legend and wooer of aquine ladies Arthur ('King of the Britons!') takes on pouting stropper and occasional fighting mammoth Achilles. For all his charm and mystery, our blessed King would be very lost without his precious sword. Achilles wins this hands down, hurling poor Arthur full length into the wall.

M. Ghandi Vs M. Thatcher

Self-styled Iron Lady and wife of Dennis squares up to bespeckled egg and Yoda cousin Ghandi. Not lacking in confidence, our Maggie would be ferocious in a scrap. Poor Mr G, who gets floored by the first blur of fury and things only get worse. Protesting about the futility of violence cooks no breakfast with Mrs T, who doesn't stop kicking once Ghandi hits the deck.

Maverick Vs Iceman

Grinning idiot and reckless fool Mav takes on the 'no-mistakes' and self-styled smoothie Iceman. Ice certainly has the height advantage, but you simply never know what Mav will come up with next. Expect some crazy moves from the Goose-loving strutter, Mav: eventually the percentages tactics of Iceman will melt as he takes the killer blow.

Zeus Vs A. Hitler

Genealogy raider and daddy of pretty much everyone Zeus shares space with lunatic wanker and former artist Adolf. A real lesson in humility: Hitler finds that life without endless bodyguards and weapons is rather more tricky than he would like. Shape-changer Zeus takes the form of a huge bull and gives Mr Hitler some proper kidding. Ouch.

Goliath Vs The Cyclops

Biblical big man and front for all cautionary underdog tales squares up to the now-blind hater of Nobody. The big G unit is a shoe-in for this one: no pesky pebbles to contend with and he's tackling a blind half-witted drunkard. Providing Goliath can tip toe quietly enough, this isn't even a contest.

T. Blair Vs G. Brown

Serial cartoon shagger and jack-of-all-trades Tony matches up to cycloptian jaw-twitcher Gordon. Poor old Mr Brown loses this fight as well: slim and nimble footed Tony dances rings round the blobby bean counter. Adding to Brown's misery is his lack of depth preception: swing and a miss with every punch, Gordon. Thanks for coming.

A. Sugar Vs a goat

Bearded angry git and occasional businessman Alan grapples with the devil's favourite four legged grass-eater. Tough in the boardroom, the knighted pointer finds life a bit rougher in the squash court. The goat edges this one: there is too much speed and power (not to mention horns) for the podgy Sugar.

W. Shakespeare Vs Aristophanes

England's greatest word-master and ponce faces up to the ancient Greek comedy legend and lover of dick jokes. Billy wins this one hands down: Aristophanes is far too busy cracking gags about farting and pubic hair to bother with the serious business of fighting. Before being floored, however, he would doubtless manage to fire off a decent stream of invective at Mr Romeo and Juliet.

J. Bauer Vs a pebble

First-name-terms-with-all-his-viewers Jack puts his individual brand of torture to the test on a pebble. Unfortunately, with no lamps to innovate with and no very painful injections to call upon, our Jack is left rather stumped by the pebble. After throwing it against the wall a couple of times bears no fruit, Jackie grudgingly accepts a draw.

I. Jones Vs J. Bond

Dashing explorer and whip enthusiast Indy wrestles with Internaional Export's leading quipper. 007 might feel a touch lost without his acid filled pens and exploding keyfobs, although no less so than a whipless Mr. Jones. A very close fight, with lots of old fashioned fisticuffs. Two possible results here: they end up entangled holding each other in death grips like a version of celebrity gay twister, or they just punch each other to the point of exhaustion. A draw either way.

G. Bush Vs V. Putin

The cattle herding Texan and sometime President takes on the rifle-toting ex-KGB hardman from Russia. A close fight: all that ranching gives George plenty of stamina but this probably isn't a match for the military training of the ex?-Russian leader. After a bit of grappling, Bush gets one in the neck and collapses in a heap of death.