J. Statham Vs a watch

Occasional martial artiste and bootleg seller Jason takes on time's most portable portal, a watch. The inevitable ticking eventually gets to Mr S, but he can't bring himself to kill an inanimate but innocent bystander. A timeless draw.

J. Clarkson Vs J. Cleese

Pubic moon buggy and bad breath enthusiast Jeremy scraps with gangly comedy relic Johnathan. Both tall men with a cowardly streak, they thud around exchanging tortured insults and the odd swing-and-a-miss. Johnny eventually prevails on points: all those 'car injuries' take their toll on Mr C.

D. Winton Vs a cougar

Sunset-faced shop janitor Dale faces up to the non-roaring name-chameleon feline, a cougar. Dale initially mistakes the mountain stalker for an overgrown domestic kitty and reaches out to give it a stroke. The cougar equally mistakes this for aggression and things move very fast. Mr W goes down in a blur of orange blood and paws crying something about Whiskers being in Aisle Six.

M. Rothko Vs L. Flashheart

Suicidal ponce and occasional Russian Rothko faces up to canoe-toting shouter, Lord Flashheart. A short fight. Mr R tries to strike a pose and look pensive, only for Flashy to steam straight in with a hefty right hook. This knockout blow is accompanied by a confused Mr F squealing 'take that you filthy hun!'

Tintin Vs Asterix

Quiff advocate and part time reporter Tintin slugs it out with punctuation symbol and occasional cartoon Asterix. Mr A struggles without the sickle-made magic potion whilst Tintin wonders where Snowy has disappeared to. Following a few moments of prop-searching, they slug it out, with Mr T prevailing.