V. Hollins Vs K. Silverton

Suspiciously beautiful angel and occasional reporter Victoria squares up to human catfish and preener, Kate. Poor prissy little Ms Silverton simply melts into a puddle of flesh, her body internally combusting in shame. Ms Hollins' radiance then begins to melt the squash court itself, her smile finishing the process.

F. Flintoff Vs S. Connery

Pint crushing 'Fred' takes on twinkly-eyed Sean. The Lancastrian breeze block lumbers in with hands like seaside boulders, aiming for that perma-smirk face of Mr C. The wrinkly old pile of facial hair still has some agility (after the cod liver oil pills) and ducks the incoming ham-hands. After three minutes of this Mr Flintoff finally gets hold of the neck and pops Connery's head off like a champagne cork.

O.Cromwell Vs W. Churchill

Father of joy-killing Oliver scraps with victory's best known basketball, Winston. Barking incoherently about devotion, Olly kneels to pray. Winney spot his chance, swinging a knee into Cromwell's joyless face. Cromers recovers, spending the next ten minutes finding a way past Churchill's mound of flesh. Eventually he does so, clamping Winston in a schoolboy headlock. A hard fought draw.

C. Norris Vs an elephant

Revolving door slammer and bearded fist Chuck faces nature's farmer and occasional wastepaper bin, the elephant. Taking an afternoon to be winched in, the elephant leaves little room for martial factoid Norris. He tries to find space to unleash his roundhouse, to no avail. Instead he challenges the grey lump to a press-up competition, which isn't taken up: a draw.

P. McCartney Vs M.Jagger

Droopy-faced St Bernard and moping hero St Paul rucks with aardvark mouth and human coat hanger, Mike. Macca is all shaking fists, but years of celeb cushioning have peeled his 'street' skin. Mickey simply breathes in, sucking Mr M up-along with every spec of dust in the arena. The Beatle settles in and sets up home under Jagger's upper lip.

A. Hansen Vs G. Lineker

Scorn merchant scarface Alan fights it out with rubber nosed puppet Gary. Lineker is all sweetness and charm-right up until Hansen's first headbutt. Hauling the puppy-like Mr L against the wall by his balls, side-parting expert Alan dispenses some whispered and uncompromising advice about 'defending your weak areas'. Gazza can't take the pain and blacks out, becoming even limper than usual.

A. Murray Vs L. Hamilton

Nonchalant grump Andy squares up to paint drying wall Lewis in a Boring of the Brits duel. Huffy Mr M refuses to fight, moodily folding the arms and furrowing the brow. Hamilton tries to get angry, but only manages to cough up dust. They unexpectedly bond about British sports fans' faults; 'I'm not British (I'm Scottish)' and 'I'm not boring'. A grey draw.

B. Simpson Vs C. Darwin

Perpetual ten year old and permanent marketing fascia Bart fights it out with incestuous side burner, Charlie. Unsure how Bart evolved from imaginary cartoon to real life opponent, Mr D is caught unawares. Half Darwin's size, Bart bounds in and bites off Charles' privates in one gulp. Collapsing, the great thinker bleeds to death whilst a triumphant Simpson junior points and laughs: 'bite me!'.

C. Eastwood Vs his own shadow

Steely glaring professional and teeth gritter Clint fights his ultimate foe: his own flickering shadow. Obviously, it kicks off with some heavy staring, mainly Mr Eastwood at his own shadow rather than visa versa. When the shadow refuses to make the first move, Mr E cracks and flings himself at his opponent. After charging around the arena like a dragonfly on speed, Clinton collapses dead from exhaustion.

S. Hoggart Vs A. Cole

Gremlin faced smugger Si duels with petulant brick and occasional wild boar, Ashley. Mr C, with his superior fitness and cocksure strut, sends fists flying. Hoggart tumbles over backwards, but manages to fling a cheeky kick to the balls on his way down. Ash collapses clutching his face, forgetting he is not playing footie. A murky draw.

B. Obama V D. Cameron

Tennis ball headed tooth and sleeve merchant Barack takes on the pear-faced goat, DC. Flabby cheeks bouncing, Dave dances about boasting about boxing for Eton. The O-Unit steams in with an uncharacteristically vicious headbutt, sending Cameron tumbling to the floor. Barry plonks a victorious foot on the chest of his vanquished rival and strikes a pose.